FUNNY PUNS
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A women goes to bed at night irritated at her husband so she decides for once in her life to pray, and this is what she said
"God give me tolerance for my husbands stupidity, give me wisdom to understand him, give me forgiveness to forgive him of his ignorance, but please God I beg of thee don’t give me strength cause I’ll kill him!"
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind , Marriage is an eye opener!"
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When . . . Uh . . . what's a climax?
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When . . . Uh . . . what's a climax?
1 Girl 1 Smile
1 Smile 1 meet
1 Meeting 1 Propos![]()
1 Propose 1 Love
1 Love 1 Marriage
1 Marriage 9999999 Problems
So, first avoid the smile
1 Smile 1 meet
1 Meeting 1 Propos
1 Propose 1 Love
1 Love 1 Marriage
1 Marriage 9999999 Problems
So, first avoid the smile
A Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room,
"Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife
and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel".
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter ".
Husband: "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter !"
Here is conversation between the software engineer husbands and his wife..........................
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card,i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.
A JOKE DEDICATED TO SOFTWARE ENGINEERS
One day, a Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, a Chemical Engineer and a Software Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
The car broke down.
The Mechanical Engineer said, “I think a rod broke. We can check the rods.”
The Chemical Engineer said, “The way it sputtered at the end, I don’t think it’s getting gas. We shall check the gas tank.”
The Electrical Engineer said, “I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system. We shall check the circuitry.”
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, “What do you think?”
–
–
–
The Computer Engineer said, “We shall get out of the car and get in Again.”
"Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife
and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel".
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter ".
Husband: "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter !"
Here is conversation between the software engineer husbands and his wife..........................
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card,i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.
A JOKE DEDICATED TO SOFTWARE ENGINEERS
One day, a Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, a Chemical Engineer and a Software Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
The car broke down.
The Mechanical Engineer said, “I think a rod broke. We can check the rods.”
The Chemical Engineer said, “The way it sputtered at the end, I don’t think it’s getting gas. We shall check the gas tank.”
The Electrical Engineer said, “I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system. We shall check the circuitry.”
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, “What do you think?”
–
–
–
The Computer Engineer said, “We shall get out of the car and get in Again.”
A Priest, a Doctor and an software ENGINEER die and go to heaven, they
hear God's voice and it says:
" My dear sons I am really very sorry but the heaven is full and I can
accommodate only one of u, so to choose the right person, one by one
tell me what u have done in your lifetime.
"The Priest goes up first and says "well God I'm a priest, I am u r
humble servant and have spent all my life working to spread your
message."
The Doctor goes up next and says "well I'm a doctor and I have helped
thousands of people recover from their illnesses"
The SOFTWARE ENGINEER goes up says "well I worked as an SOFTWARE
ENGINEER and........",
before the ENGINEER could say anything further, the heaven's gates
opened and God came with tears in his eyes and said to the SOFTWARE ENGINEER
“ Say no more my son come with me, u have
already been thru HELL...”
hear God's voice and it says:
" My dear sons I am really very sorry but the heaven is full and I can
accommodate only one of u, so to choose the right person, one by one
tell me what u have done in your lifetime.
"The Priest goes up first and says "well God I'm a priest, I am u r
humble servant and have spent all my life working to spread your
message."
The Doctor goes up next and says "well I'm a doctor and I have helped
thousands of people recover from their illnesses"
The SOFTWARE ENGINEER goes up says "well I worked as an SOFTWARE
ENGINEER and........",
before the ENGINEER could say anything further, the heaven's gates
opened and God came with tears in his eyes and said to the SOFTWARE ENGINEER
“ Say no more my son come with me, u have
already been thru HELL...”
Girls are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Girls are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep working without much complains.
Girls are like.....Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Girls are like.....Government bonds. They take a long time to mature.
Girls are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Girls are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Girls are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
ஒரு ஞானியை அணுகிய சீடன்,காதலுக்கும் திருமணத்திற்கும் உள்ள வித்தியாசம் என்னவெனக் கேட்டான். ` அதற்கு அந்த ஞானி, ''அது இருக்கட்டும்.முதலில் நீ ரோஜாத் தோட்டத்துக்குப் போ. அங்கே உனக்கு எது உயரமான ரோஜாச் செடி என்று தோன்றுகிறதோ, அதை எடுத்துக் கொண்டு வா. ஆனால் ...ஒரு நிபந்தனை. நீ எக்காரணம் கொண்டும் போன வழியே திரும்பி வரக் கூடாது. ''என்றார்.கிளம்பிய சீடன் சிறிது நேரம் கழித்து வெறும் கையுடன் வந்தான். ஞானி, ''எங்கே உன்னைக் கவர்ந்த உயரமான செடி? ''என்று கேட்டார். சீடன் சொன்னான், 'குருவே,வயலில் இறங்கி நடந்த போது முதலில் உயரமான ஒரு செடி என்னைக் கவர்ந்தது.அதை விட உயரமான செடி இருக்கக் கூடும்என்று தொடர்ந்து நடந்தேன். இன்னும் உயரமான ரோஜாச் செடிகள் தென்பட்டன. அவற்றை விட உயரமான செடிகள் இருக்கக் கூடுமென மேலும் நடந்தேன். அதன் பிறகு தென்பட்டதெல்லாம் குட்டையான ரோஜாச் செடிகளே. வந்த வழியே திரும்ப வரக்கூடாது என்பதால் முன்னர் பார்த்த உயரமான செடியையும் கொண்டு வர முடியாமல் போய் விட்டது. ` ' புன்முறுவலோடு ஞானி சொன்னார்,''இது தான் காதல்.'' ` பின்னர் ஞானி,''சரி போகட்டும், அதோ அந்த வயலில் சென்று உன் கண்ணுக்கு அழகாகத் தெரிகின்ற ஒரு சூரிய காந்திச் செடியைப் பிடுங்கி வா. ஆனால் இப்போது கூடுதலாக ஒரு நிபந்தனை. ஒரு செடியைப் பிடுங்கிய பின் வேறு ஒரு செடியைப் பிடுங்கக் கூடாது.'' சிறிது நேரத்தில் சீடன் ஒரு சூரிய காந்திச் செடியுடன் வந்தான். ஞானி கேட்டார்,''இது தான் அந்தத் தோட்டத்திலேயே அழகான சூரிய காந்திச் செடியா? ''சீடன் சொன்னான், 'இல்லை குருவே, இதை விட அழகான செடிகள் இருக்கின்றன. ஆனால் முதல் முறை கோட்டை விட்டது போல் இந்த முறையும் விட்டு விடக் கூடாது என்ற அச்சத்தில் முகப்பிலேயே எனக்கு அழகாகத் தோன்றிய இந்த செடியைப் பிடுங்கி வந்து விட்டேன். நிபந்தனைப்படி, ஒரு செடியைப் பிடுங்கியபின் வேறு செடியைப் பிடுங்கக் கூடாது என்பதால் அதன் பிறகு இதை விட அழகான செடிகளை நான் பார்த்தபோதும் பறிக்கவில்லை.' ` இப்போது ஞானி சொன்னார், ''இது தான் திருமணம்."
---------------- ------ ஓஷோ
Girls are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep working without much complains.
Girls are like.....Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Girls are like.....Government bonds. They take a long time to mature.
Girls are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Girls are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Girls are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
காதல் & கல்யாணம் - என்ன வித்தியாசம்?
---------------- ------ ஓஷோ
1 . (Whatever)
Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time i got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan , today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..
2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowli
ng, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything
3. (You decide)
Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..
4. (Anytime)..
Men: At what time do i have to call you?
Women: Any time as u wish
Men: But last time when i call u in the morning u didn't pick up?
Women: I was sleeping.
Men: OK; when I try to call you around 11 am u didn't pick up?
Women: I was shopping with my mother
Men: So, when I try to call you around 2-3 u didn't pick up?
Women: I was tired and relaxing.
Men: Then what about 5 pm?
Women: I was watching a cartoon.
Men: So, then why didn't you pick u phone in the night?
Women: I was studying
Men: Ok then tell me which time is the most convenience time for you to talk.
Women: Anytime.
Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time i got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan , today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..
2. (Anything)
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowli
ng, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything
3. (You decide)
Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..
4. (Anytime)..
Men: At what time do i have to call you?
Women: Any time as u wish
Men: But last time when i call u in the morning u didn't pick up?
Women: I was sleeping.
Men: OK; when I try to call you around 11 am u didn't pick up?
Women: I was shopping with my mother
Men: So, when I try to call you around 2-3 u didn't pick up?
Women: I was tired and relaxing.
Men: Then what about 5 pm?
Women: I was watching a cartoon.
Men: So, then why didn't you pick u phone in the night?
Women: I was studying
Men: Ok then tell me which time is the most convenience time for you to talk.
Women: Anytime.
haha... for half way thru.. :)
ReplyDeletetoo much to haha all at once so will come back to haha in installments :)
:):):):):):):):):):):):):)
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