"Do what you feel in your heart to be
right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do,
and damned if you don't."
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin
What do you fear in your everyday life? One
common answer would probably be to be criticized. To stand there and
hear those words streaming out of someone's mouth and feel stupid or
feel rejected or like you are getting smaller and smaller.
I get quite a bit of feedback from my
readers. Most of it is positive and supportive. But there are also
sometimes criticism or harsh and nasty attacks. That part isn't always
so fun and can be hurtful. But it is a part of life if you want to live
your life your way.
That being said, I have a few steps that I
usually run through when I get an email that is critical or is
attacking me. This isn't some magical protection from being hurt or
feeling pain but it helps me to better handle criticism and sometimes
to get something good out of it.
These steps work pretty well in real life too.
1. Don't reply right away.
It is very easy to become riled up, angry or
defensive when you receive some criticism. This is not a good position
to be in to fire away a reply if you don't want to wind up making the
situation worse.
Plus, I really work on keeping my self-esteem
high. And to lash back at them or to not be the better person here can
really hurt your self-esteem. It might feel good for a while to do so
but it is a dirty high that comes with a hangover of feeling worse
about yourself and subtle or not so subtle self-destructiveness.
So this is about my own well-being to a high
degree. And so I never reply back right away. Instead I look closer at
the email. If you receive criticism in real life try to at least take a
couple of deep breaths to cool down just a bit and to feel more
balanced before you reply.
2. Really listen to the criticism
Instead of attacking the other person for his
or her words and building a hostile atmosphere try to calm it down. Try
to remain level-headed, open and figure out how this message can help
you.
Ask yourself questions like:
Can I learn something from this piece of
criticism? Maybe there is something here that I do not want to hear but
that could help me to improve?
3. Remember: the criticism isn't always about you.
Some criticism is certainly helpful. Some isn't that helpful or just simply attacks. What can I do then?
Well, then I remember that criticism isn't
always about me. It would be nice if all criticism one gets comes from
level-headed place. But in reality people will have a bad day or week.
Some will hate some part of their life. Some might not be all that well
at this moment.
So they lash out at you to release pent up
negative emotions. On your blog or maybe in school or at work. It's not
fun. But it happens.
To lessen the sting of this criticism or
these attacks I try to be understanding. I think that based on the
message I got - often really angry or overly critical about some pretty
minor thing - this person isn't feeling too good right now and is
overreacting or need to release some pent up emotions.
By being understanding of this it becomes easier to just let such messages go instead of feeling bad or becoming angry too.
4. Reply or let go.
If you reply then try one or a few follow up
questions if you think that could help you. And even when someone
blurts out something not too constructive like "Your work/blog/product
isn't very good" you might want to ask a few open-ended questions to
get more constructive information.
Questions like:
What part of it did you not like or did you not find helpful?
How can I improve it?
When I reply to a critical email I try to keep my attitude positive and kind no matter what they have written.
I thank him or her for what he or she wrote. I may add a question or two to get more clarification.
Sometimes I get back a much more level-headed
reply where they actually help me to improve what I am doing and
although I may still feel a bit hurt it also feels good to be the
better person in this situation and to create a constructive
conversation.
If they won't answer your questions then they are probably just lashing out. And so it is time to let go.
I really don't reply to all emails though.
Nasty attacks are for example most often just put in the junk mail
folder. I have more interesting things to focus on.
5. Keep your daily balance.
This isn't a step to handle one specific
email, phone call or critical message. But I have found that it becomes
a whole lot easier to handle criticism if you stay balanced in your
daily life. Those messages seem to not be as hurtful, they don't affect
me as much or sometimes just roll off my back like water on a duck when
I:
- Work in a relaxed way. Extra stress makes you more susceptible to the negative messages and to overreacting to criticism.
- Manage the 3 fundamentals. That means to eat properly, to get enough sleep and to work out a couple of times a week. Keeping the balance of your physical fundamentals make you mentally stronger too.
- Keep the self-esteem up.
Criticism can send you down a spiral of self-loathing and feeling lousy
about yourself. Keeping the stress down and the energy-giving
fundamentals up can help you to not wind up in such dark places.
Keeping your own self-esteem up is also vital. A couple of basic things that help me to do so is to behave in way where I do the right thing (like being the better person when replying to a critical email) as best I can, to appreciate myself, my good traits and accomplishments and to forgive myself instead of beating myself up about stuff or holding myself to impossible standards.
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