SOCIAL SKILLS

 

1. Never just say ‘good when someone asks ‘how’s it going?’ - Instead of justing using a default response, have a set of little quips or pithy phrases you can use when someone asks you this common question. I usually say something like, “Any day above ground is a good one.” This seems trivial, but getting in the habit of having ‘little sayings’ instead of common responses helps you stand out from the crowd. It also teaches you to think on your feet more during other conversations and you’ll have more interesting responses to common questions like “What do you do for a living?” Developing the ability to show people that you’re not just on auto-pilot when it comes to your responses gives them the impression that you’re upbeat and spontaneous in real life.
2. Say hi to every single person you see and spark mini conversations - When you’re walking down the street, try saying hi to every single person you see, regardless of whether or not they seem like they want to talk back. Smile, make eye contact, say a simple ‘hello.’ You’ll notice a few things. Sometimes, people who seemed like they didn’t want to talk to you will perk up and give you a bright-smiled ‘hello’ right back. Some people won’t say anything at all and that’s okay — they have their reasons. Some will stop and have a conversation with you. Others won’t speak out loud but will share a little head nod. Ultimately, you’ll learn that people are pretty responsive for the most part and even if they aren’t, you didn’t die facing a little ‘rejection.’ Work on sparking little chats with people, too, if they’re not busy. Talk to the staff at places you frequent - I usually end up learning the names of every single coffee shop employee since I go to them so often. Spark up a chat with the old woman in line at the grocery store. At social gatherings, make sure to at least say a quick hello and have a little banter with everyone there. You’re just giving people ‘little doses of you.’ That’s all it takes. Once you learn how to give little doses, you can give bigger ones. Talking to lots of different people will help you learn how to read body language and tell whether or not people are comfortable to talk. Again, it’s cool if they aren’t. In general, you’ll see that most people want to socialize, even if they don’t do it as often as they’d like.
3. Always be the last person to break eye contact - No matter how unnerving it may be, and it can be unnerving, practice being the last one to break eye contact, even if it’s just for a day. Since you’re not accustomed to doing this, you might come across a bit weird, but that’s okay because the goal is to teach you how to have more confidence in your social interactions. Nothing conveys social confidence more than eye contact. Nothing. After practicing this for a while, you’ll learn not to creepily stare at people and, instead, have a warm, inviting, and relaxed look that will make people gravitate toward you. In any social setting, one person is usually reacting to the other person. The person who seems to have the most certainty will subconsciously make the other person react to them. The goal isn’t to intimidate people. The opposite. When you’re the person with a sense of positive and warm certainty, people will feel safe and comfortable around you, which will make them like you more. You don’t need to constantly be the last person to break eye contact, but practicing this for a while will rid you of your habit of darting your eyes will you feel insecure.
4. Practice projecting your voice - Similar to the eye contact rule, try practicing this at an obnoxious level at first just to get used to feeling exposed in front of others. When I order something at a coffee shop, I’ll project my voice to the point everyone in the shop can hear me. I’m not yelling. I’m just speaking from that diaphragm area and consciously increasing the volume to let my voice carry. When you talk, think about where your volume is coming from. Is it coming from your head? A bit nasally and soft? Or does it vibrate a little bit and sound more like it’s emanating from you? Again, after you consciously dial it up a bit too much, you’ll learn where your sweet spot is at. You want to rid yourself of the idea that you’re soft-spoken and there's nothing you can do about it. This isn’t true. You have power in your voice if you learn how to cultivate it. And it doesn’t take long to cultivate it. Just, speak louder.
5. Stop waiting to talk - Steven Covey famously said that “most people listen with the intent to reply, not with the intent to understand.” If you learn how to just listen without trying to think of what to say next, you’ll come across as a better conversationalist. For one, people just want to be heard. Also, when you genuinely listen to someone else you get a much better sense of their vibe, which will help you come up with better responses. You’ll signal to them that you’re in the present moment with them. People can spot that facial expression where it looks like you’re trying to think of what to say next or are waiting to interrupt. Even if it doesn't consciously register with them, it turns them off at a subconscious level. Try combining this with the ‘eye contact’ skill. Have you ever talked to someone who maintained eye contact with you and just listened to what you had to say? Maybe it’s a bit startling at first because most people don’t behave that way, but after a while, you feel that sense of calm certainty coming from them. They don’t need to respond. They don’t have that anxious energy about them. They’re chill, cool, calm, there to talk to you.
6. Allow for dead spots in conversation - This is another little skill that will teach you how to be more comfortable in social settings by first feeling uncomfortable. Quit trying to fill every single moment of a conversation with words. Allow for dead space. Again, this shows confidence. In sales, you’re taught to ask for the sale and stay totally silent until the prospect responds, no matter how long it takes them to respond. It’s not an intimidation tact, rather it builds trust because your potential customer can feel your certainty. If you have a shoddy product, something to hide, or just lack confidence in yourself, you might try to fill that gap and keep trying to sell yourself. If you allow for silence, you give them the impression that you’re good either way, and this subtle indifference is persuasive. In conversation, leave dead spots of silence so that you can think of a good response. There’s no rule that says you have to answer something right away. All of these social skills are about being less jittery, fidgety, and anxious by putting yourself in situations that cause anxiety. This gradual exposure in social settings is the only way to gain confidence. Just reading about it won’t help.
7. Monitor your fidgeting - You have nervous ticks that you may or may not be aware of — when you’re having a conversation, when you’re just standing in line, when you’re speaking in public. At first, just try to notice them. If you try to fix them right there on the spot you might be too conscious of them, which will just make things worse. Take some time to actively monitor your little ticks then try to work on them. I sway my feet back and forth, drag my tongue across my front teeth, and move my hands around nervously. I’ve cured none of these, but my conscious awareness of them helps me reduce them. First, I develop an awareness of the tick. Next, I get present to the moment and try to observe everything around me. This will help me settle into the environment, thus removing the tick.
8. Pull the trigger before you convince yourself out of acting - Let’s say you’re at a networking event with hundreds of people. You’re afraid to approach new people and say hi. Thinking about approaching people will just make it harder to approach them. You have to just go. Switch that signal in your brain — switch discomfort as a sign to act instead of a sign to stay stuck in fear. There are tons of resources about social skills out there, but none of them can replace socializing in real life. Impossible. If you have a hard time socially, thinking isn’t your friend. Thinking got you into this position in the first place. The only way to get better is to hurl yourself into action during uncomfortable situations. Next time you don’t feel like speaking up, speak louder. When you want to break eye contact, don’t. When you want to fill that dead space in conversation, just let it be. Social skills are malleable. You can get better socially just like you can build your body physically. You can’t grow your muscles without putting them through stress first. And you can’t get better socially without putting yourself through stress first.